Lonliness....

Lonliness....

I'm lonely...surrounded by those who mean well and love me completely.
Im alone inside my skin...fending off depression. I've never been a depressed person,
never been one to view life though a glass half empty. It bothers me that I can't pinpoint my source of depression. I'm unsure of what is fueling my desire to drive my car into the bay.

Sadly.....im alone right now.

I cannot afford the luxury of a full blown meltdown. My recent spiral left those I love trying not to commit me to the looney bin. Why do I always have to be the strong one...why can't I be the one who needs someone else to pick me up off the floor?

I dont know......I just dont know....I dont know much anyway.

Sigh.

Grindage....

Grind......Grind...grind...grind.....
I worked today. Crappy day. It went wrong from the start. I was a in a good mood till I got there. Customers out the door..needing their fix. Hurry hurry. "Lemme have a double tall, decaf, sugar free vanilla, soy, lite whip, latte.......and be quick about it."

No prep, no time, very little patience. It is only coffee, right? Make the mocha, the frap, the whip, and wash the never-ending pile of dishes. Mop up the leaking toilet water. Hang the "Out of Order" sign.Wait on hold for 15 minutes.Terrible elevator music.

Not enough time and no more patience.

Do the deposit and give the breaks. Take out the trash and make the drinks. Only coffee, remember.

So little time for the personal contact. For the "how's the kids" and "whatcha up to today's". When did it become more than coffee?

Tomorrow, another day, hopefully better. Attitude adjustment needed.

Sigh.

Bee Nice!

This is a note a few of us "night shifters" wrote to a "day shifter"in response to a note he left for us. (confused yet?) Some names have been changed to protect the innocent! For those of you who work at Starbucks..you will understand. Here's a big SHOUT OUT to Akeelah and the Bee, may she rest in peace.



Joe~

Next time you write us another appoggiatura,

think about this. There is no need for lyceum.

We on the night shift are full of pulchritude......

you know what I'm talking about.

Kira is brunneous,

Amber is reminding of a great pastiche,

and Miriam, well don't get me started

on her prestidigitation.

One word: Argillaceous.

We are all as ambidextrous as a pterodactyl.

Don't hate...Appreciate.

Where is the Love, Joe?

We have a good Euonym for you......Meanie!

Be nice, Byyyyyeeeee

( thanks to the author of this note...you rock.)

Ode to the "O" ring.....

So, Some of you might know, and for those of you who don't, an "O" ring is a very needful item in the great scheme of whipped cream making. My new friend from work, hey darlin', found out the hard (hilarious) way, the truth behind the mysterious "O" ring.

My poor darlin', came to me the other night and said, " I can't seem to get the whip-it to discharge correctly." Me, with all my prior bullshit knowledge, was sure it was operator error. Oh how wrong I was!

I said to her "Hold on to the bottle while I turn it upside down so you can feel the CO2 go though the container when I discharge it. So she bravely held on, blind faith in my problem solving capabilities. I discharged the CO2 and waited for the feeling of the bottle being charged with air. Only it didn't work quite like that.

Instead of filling the bottle, it filled the air and covered my trusting comrade with whipped cream. I screamed and then dissolved into hysterical giggles, all the while pointing the spouting bottle at my dear friend, still trustingly clutching tightly to it. There was whipped cream all over her, the floor, the walls, and more on her. I bravely traipsed to the bathroom to wipe the 2 drops off of my apron while she stood there, in shock, looking very much like a frappuchino topper. LOL!

Ok so, the moral to the story is this, always check the inside of the WC container to insure the "O" ring is in it before you add the CO2. Sorry honey.....:) Love ya

She remembers

So, I wrote this during my latest foray into Creative Writing.
Enjoy....


She remembers…..


He sleeps…unaware, blissful
His mother guarding, ever watchful.
The even cadence of his breath,
Touching the core of her being.
She remembers……

The perception of freedom before this child,
Peaceful, quiet oblivion.
Colorless searching for her life’s fulfillment.
Always wanting, needing something else.
She remembers……

The day, the knowledge, coming change
Suddenly protective, cautious….aware
Nauseous and terrified by turns.
She remembers…….

The rhythmic beating inside,
Keeping time with some unheard piper.
Beating its tunes on the top of her bladder.
She remembers…….

Time……to go, to push, to scream, to cry.
Sweet agony, the foreshadowing of ecstasy
Alone in her pain…then stillness
The cry.
Tears of joy, release and redemption
She remembers…….

Sleepless nights engulfed in hazes of exhaustion.
Forgotten, in a moment of peaceful embrace.
A look, a bond, total contentment.
She remembers…….

He sleeps…..
Innocent dreams behind lidded blue eyes.
The slumber of one loved and protected.
Unaware that she watches…..softly smiling.

And remembers……..

A new friend.....

I made a new friend yesterday. Saw her again today.
I like her so much.
We are alike, her and I, but vastly different as well.
She is a kindred spirit. Forgive the "Anne of Green Gables" -ness of it all.
I am grateful for a new friend, in whatever capacity that may be.
I tread very carefully into the "newness" of these waters.

But I am grateful for the knowledge that I do have something to offer.
That I am worthy of being a friend. Lessons learned.

I have turned the corner. New adventures are ahead.
I welcome them.

My wish for you......

For those of you, you know who you are, who have been there for me through thick and thin. I have realized of late that you really know who loves you when you go through the worst.

I have this new CD by Rascal Flatts.....I love this song.
I dedicate it to you....

My Wish......

I hope the days come easy
And the moments pass slow
And each road leads you
Where you want to go
And if you're faced with the choice
And you have to choose
I hope you choose the ones
That mean the most to you
And if one door open to
another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin'
Till you find the window
If it's cold outside, show the
World the warmth of your smile.
But more than anything
More than anything.

My wish for you
Is that life becomes all that
You want it to
Your dreams stay big
Your worries stay small
You never need to carry
More than you can hold
And while you're out there gettin'
Where you're gettin to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back
but you never forget
All the ones who love you
and the places you left
I hope you always forgive
And you never regret
And you help somebody
every chance you get
Oh, You find God's grace
In every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything
Yeah more than anything.

This is my wish...
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big.

Sore Losers....

I woke today, feeling a blog coming on.

It is sad when the "golden ones" hurt the innocent "little ones" who are trying valiently to continue with the day to day "grind". Be assured, they want no part in your high school bull-shit. It is humorous that the 16 and 18 year old are being more mature than the "20 and 30 something's" they are surrounded by.

The "golden ones" may give lip service to the "little people", but be not swayed, my little ones, for once your back is turned, they will murder your soul.

Poor, two-faced "golden ones". You never cease to amaze me. Just when I think the drama has died I find that you can not yet let it go. You are hurting me no longer... I pity your juvenile crap. But you have hurt the "little ones. That is real. The words I left behind for them continue to be true. The liberties you took with words that did not belong to you only served as further proof of who truly took the "higher" ground.

You are no longer a "blip on my radar", but hear me when I say this, you have either knowingly or unknowingly proven the worst of yourselves that, until now, was only suspected. Sad.

And so, I continue to learn about you what I wished were untrue. My sense of humanity has been challanged. Another lesson learned. When outside pressures are applied the things inside a person, come out and prove what has been inside all the time.

Unwritten....

I've had this song...mulling about in my head. It is very popular on the radio right now, which is usually a sign that it holds little weight in these times. But it is for me, a sort of anthem, a passageway into the new journey I am beginning. It gives me hope, and more importantly...makes me happy. Strange, but true.

Enjoy.....

Unwritten: Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined.
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned.
Staring, at the blank page before me
open up the dirty window,
let the sun illuminate the words that you cannot find
Reaching,
for something in the distance,
so close you can almost taste it,
Release you inhibitions,
Feel the rain on your skin.
No one else can feel it for you
only you can let it in
No one else, no one else, can
Speak the words on your lips.
Drench yourself in words unspoken,
Live your life with arms wide open,
Today is where your book begins,
The rest is still Unwritten.

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
we've been conditioned,
to not make mistakes,
But, I can't live that way,

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the word that you cannot find
Reaching,
For something in the distance,
So close you can almost taste it,
Release your inhibitions.....



This song is Life to me right now.
Today is a new beginning and a chance to write your pages.
Mistakes are made, but the grace of a new day enables us to
Live....live a life, without regret, and without worry. For even if we fuck it up today...
tomorrow is our chance to open the dirty window and let the sun illuminate you.

Pretty Damn cool.....

Live, laugh, and then get Luvs....

I got fired today.

Except that I had already quit. I unknowingly thwarted the "best laid plans" and all that stuff. :)

I went to bed last night mulling over the bullshit of the day. I was mad at the perpetrators of the bullshit, but I made a pact with another involved to "let it go, move on." My much loved "friend" lent me the solid voice of experience I so severely lacked. Thank you, love you.

When I woke up this morning, the emotion was gone. Not like the "I forgive you" gone, but more like the I "shed that skin in my sleep" gone. The experiences were there and the lessons still learned, but somehow, in my sleep, I took back the power I gave them to cause an emotional reaction from me. Weird!

I remembered again today how much I love my job. It isn't about the coffee. It's about the people. How you make THEM feel and how you treat them. People don't pay $4.00 for a cup of cofee, they pay for "The coffee experience." We are the morning bartenders. WE are to Coffee Heaven, what "Cheers" was to Woody, Sam, and Norm. They come to us because we "know their names". We have the ability to bring a smile their faces. Pretty Rewarding.

All in all a very good day....I am at peace.

ps....I love you girlies...I will miss your smiles, and your laughter. I will miss dancing around the shop, singing at the top of our lungs. I am so proud of you both. You are talented, spirited women, and I am better for knowing you. (muah)

Not the only one....

And so it continues.....Against my best efforts, I cannot seem to shake my desire to care about those that would so willingly throw me under the bus. I am unable to even defend. My exhaustion grows each day. Will it ever end? When did this become so big? Why did we let it?
Why won't the furor die?

What is the best way to recover from a blow so huge? Walls are easiest....but don't allow for more than isolation. And, just when you think you can't hurt anymore..more pain is piled on. I am almost delusional with the hate behind it all. I struggle to find the lessons I'm supposed to learn..

Trust is hard to find...did it ever really exist? Was it a figment of my tortured mind?. Why won't it go away? Why won't they let it? It can't make them happy...watching a soul die..

Scabs...

Scabs....you know how "they" say to pull em' off real fast and they will not hurt as bad. Or the stupidest cliche' ever " It is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all." Bullshit! Try for yourself...it is truly bullshit!

Scabs are there to protect the wound from being reopened. However, some take sadistic pleasure in ripping the scabs off and pouring salt into the wound before dancing away with the "golden children" into the "grind".

I get it now, I really do. What a painful lesson to have to learn and relearn. Like the universe has repeated "Are you done? Do you get it now?" I do.

How stupid I was to think that my heart would be guarded by them? I was naive. Was everything I said being used as the groundwork for my final ruination? I don't know. I just don't know much anymore except that I have had enough.

I can no longer trust the "golden ones" to have my back. They just won't. I get that...finally. How sad for them. I had much to offer. Their loss.

The new rule is this....TRUST NO ONE. Keep your cards close to your chest. "They" will not protect you from ruin."They" do not appreciate your input or value your life story. Keep your mouth shut and stay out of trouble.

I wash my hands of my need for your approval. You don't deserve my trust. You have to look at your own faces in the mirror. And I can look at mine.

It is finished.

To a new beginning.....

Funny how new beginnings can develop. Quickly. Almost without thought or participation. Like we are just passengers along for the ride.
Tomorrow is a new beginning for me. How often can we really say we get the chance to start over. Fresh insight into who to be..and also, who not to be. Take care to heed the prior warnings in hard lessons learned. Trust only in yourself and quietly participate in the daily "grind" of employment.
Take a lesson to heart my friend, trust and respect are earned by those willing to do the work to earn it. Give it to no one freely. Guard closely the inner workings of your mind and trust none to cherish it as you would. They won't.
Thank you to those who protected my heart, you who are like family to me. It has been your smiles and laughter that have kept me afloat these past weeks.

I love you.